The Naked and the (Un)Dead

Every Friday, this blog will re-post a letter to the editor of the “Crest Top Chronicle” newspaper. Here members of the community voice their concerns about some of the real issues raised by the short film “Dead Votes Society.” This week: perennial mayoral candidate Mandela Goldfarb.

Why do opponents of the Undead Voter’s Act, which would finally guarantee the right to vote for our zombie brothers and sisters, always frame the debate as an issue of public safety?  They always fall back on the same tired old argument that zombies are “violent cannibals” whose very existence makes our city’s streets unsafe. (As if teenage drivers weren’t any less dangerous.) Either that or they use the even more insulting contention that since zombies are driven by primitive reptilian impulses and have only vestigial traces of higher brain functions, that this somehow disqualifies them from participating in democracy. (As if a working brain was ever a requirement for voting in America.)

The real issue here is freedom. Voting is an American’s birthright. Does a birthright expire at the time of death? I should say not. Like the right of a citizen to walk nude down any public thoroughfare, as God intended, the right to vote is inalienable.

It may seem a bit of a stretch for me to compare the two issues, but consider this: the nattering nudity naysayers who routinely decry naturism as “indecent,” “immoral,” or “unsightly” are the same freedom-hating anti-deadites who seem bent on keeping our undead friends disenfranchised. Is it a coincidence that in poll after poll, potential zombie voters invariably support pro-nude ballot initiatives? I highly doubt it. This is a blatant case of voter suppression, with the intended effect of keeping unconstitutional “public indecency” laws on the books. If we follow the money, I don’t doubt that we’d find that the textile tyrants and the fashionista fascists are providing most of the corporate sponsorship of these pernicious attacks on liberty. As usual.

So please join me and the dozens of other freedom-loving Americans who’ve already expressed their public support for the UVA. Together we can make this country the kind of place where a naked man and a walking corpse can finally walk hand-in-hand.

MANDELA GOLDFARB is a graduate of Crest Top College, President of the Cresttop Freedom and Naturism Movement (CFNM) and the Chairman of the Crustapai County “As the Day I Was Born” Party. The views expressed here are his alone and do not reflect those of the administrators of this blog or in fact of anyone, anywhere, ever.